so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
