my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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