Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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