All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
