I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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