So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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