I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
