The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
