It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
