it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
