Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
