a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My friends, they love my intelligence
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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