imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
