I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
