I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
