So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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