I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sorry about my life...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
