i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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