so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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