You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
