They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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