Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
