Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I supernannyed him into submission
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
