Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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