He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
