Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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