I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Randomize
