Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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