Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
