I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
