im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
that may or may not have been my penis.
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