That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
