i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
