What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
