I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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