U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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