Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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