I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
