i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
