Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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