Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
