Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
