He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
