my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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