Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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