I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
