At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
