Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
