half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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