He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm having to shit out rocks
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