those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
