You smell like stripper and shame
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
