she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
